i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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