Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
