i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
