oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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