Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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