go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
