i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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