This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize