If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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