Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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