stop calling my apartment porn island.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
