This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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