Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
