somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Boobs are out for the taking
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
