the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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