Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
