I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
