jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
