thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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