Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
