He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
