I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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