You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
