Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
