I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
