just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize