I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize