every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
