Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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