i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
