it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
