If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
