Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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