My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
