ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
