What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
