so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
