happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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