I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
