Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The maid of honor just puked.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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