You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
