I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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