All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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