Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
