I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Randomize
