Your mouth is God's brothel.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
