hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
