ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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