but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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