I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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