theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
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