She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
