upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize