She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I think people are normalizing furries
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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