remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize