Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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