I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
