My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
