the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
