I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
